cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Randomize
