My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
