look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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