at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
