Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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