I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
FUCK WHALES
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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