All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
