Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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