at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
