i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
