rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
