Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
