Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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