I faked an abortion last night.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
