i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Randomize
