I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
