So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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