She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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