your parents love me but you hate me
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
