In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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