I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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