from now on my penis is your penis
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize
