I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
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