Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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