dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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