I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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