i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
3pm strippers are depressing
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
