I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
