Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
