If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
