If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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