If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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