This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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