I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
