I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
