so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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