my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
