gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
