I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
