I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
