Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
