Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
