I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize