I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
