the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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