i think i have two assholes
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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