remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I've blown a few things in my day
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
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