i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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