My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
