I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
