A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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