so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
